drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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