If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
