if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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