today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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