Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
