I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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