I hope mine doesn't look like that
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize