who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
