Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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