god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
