I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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