YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
