Swine flu. Run for my life!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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