I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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