my mouth tastes like poor choices
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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