At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
