There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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