i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
