Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Operation Purity has been aborted
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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