Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
