alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Found your dick twin last night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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