Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
