eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
