awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
