He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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