the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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