I think I died a long time ago.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
