Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.