Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Semen is not good for contacts.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall