just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
