you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
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In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.