Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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