Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
