The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
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I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.