you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
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He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.