We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
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Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.