You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out