My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
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Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old