Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth