just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
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the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
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That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.