we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now