at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
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Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?