If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
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You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.