The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
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the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
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His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.