Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Send us your Text From Last Night!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
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Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
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After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
