I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
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The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.