Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
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She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas