Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Send us your Text From Last Night!
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You coming home soon, man?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.