when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.