OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses