It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.