whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.