please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
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Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?