had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
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No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.