I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos