My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
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When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
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This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.